Chapter 33: Days of Atonement, a Faint Glimmer of Hope (Eri)

Days of Atonement, a Faint Glimmer of Hope (Eri)

Every day is an act of atonement.

My body is tainted, unworthy to stand beside Shuu. Even so, I want to stay close and help his injuries heal, even if it’s from a distance.

Shuu accepts my selfishness in silence. I’ve sworn never to lie again or do anything that would make him doubt me. To regain even a fragment of his trust, I live each day in quiet gratitude.

But I don’t know how. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to earn his trust back.

So I began working in the living room, where he could always see me. That way, nothing I did would seem suspicious.

I also let Shuu keep my phone. If I need to contact someone for work, I only do so after getting his permission.

I registered a GPS app, and whenever I go out, I make sure Shuu can monitor me.

It helps him feel safe. And for me… being watched makes me feel like we’re still connected, even if only faintly. That alone gives me comfort.

I know he probably doesn’t want to touch my filthy body anymore.

When I help him to the toilet or the bath, it’s clear he avoids my touch as much as possible.

I can see the pain in his face, and I know how he sometimes hides to suppress his nausea.

Even his body no longer reacts to me the way it used to.

It’s all my fault… I’m the one who ruined everything.

I never intended for things to turn out like this.

The love I’ve given Shuu until now and the love I offered, however briefly, to Touya-kun were two completely different things.

In my own way, I thought I was giving love, believing that I was sincerely facing Touya-kun.

But what I received in return was “revenge.”

From the very beginning, he had planned it. He recorded everything with a hidden camera, edited the footage to make it seem as if I had been the one chasing after him, as if I were the one begging for his affection.

Even if it was edited, every word was mine. Even if I had lost control of my mind, even if those words were forced out of me, they still came from my mouth.

I can’t deny that I let myself lose control to the point my mind went blank.

When Shuu found out, and I realized that everything had been Touya-kun’s revenge, all the love I had given became meaningless. What remained was only the truth that I had become a defiled woman.

A sin so deep that no amount of repentance can ever wash it away.

Even so, I decided to live in a way that wouldn’t make Shuu doubt me again, to devote myself entirely to him.

Whenever I close my eyes, I see that filthy version of myself from the video and Shuu’s face twisted in despair. It jolts me awake every time.

Once, I dreamed that Shuu had disappeared. I woke up crying, gasping for air.

But then…

When I was swaying from exhaustion and lack of sleep, Shuu gently guided me to bed.

He held my hand until I drifted off.

I was so happy. I realized again that Shuu is the only one for me.

Just the touch of his hand filled me with warmth.

When it’s Shuu, I don’t feel afraid.

When I woke up, he was sitting beside the bed, still holding my hand as he dozed.

I wanted him to stay like that forever, but I couldn’t let an injured man sleep sitting up, so I told him to take the bed.

But what he said next caught me completely off guard.

“Eri… it’s fine. Can I sleep beside you?”

I refused, but he didn’t let go of my hand. Then, for the first time in so long, Shuu lay down beside me.

“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do, but right now, I just want to hold your hand.”

Still holding my hand, he closed his eyes. Soon, I could hear the sound of his quiet breathing.

His face looked terrible. His complexion was pale, dark circles lay under his eyes, and his cheeks were thin and hollow.

But seeing him sleep peacefully, as if finally at ease, brought tears to my eyes.

I’m so sorry, for hurting you until you became like this.

But please believe me. The one I truly love, from the bottom of my heart, has always been only you, Shuu.

I held back the urge to embrace him, and instead, I savored the faint warmth of his hand as I slowly drifted back to sleep.

When I opened my eyes, Shuu’s face was right in front of me, his gaze locked on mine.

For a moment, I panicked, afraid to move. But since he was still holding my hand, I couldn’t pull away.

“…Sh-Shuu?”

“…Good morning, Eri.”

“…Ah! G-good morning.”

Just being looked at by him, just hearing those simple words, filled my chest with warmth.

There’s no one else in this world who can make me feel this happy simply by being beside me. Only Shuu.

“Can I hold your hand a little longer?”

Is that really okay? My hands are filthy… but I want to keep holding his. I don’t ever want to let go again.

“…If that’s what you want, then I’m fine with it.”

“I see…”

After that, a gentle silence filled the room. I found myself wishing that moment would never end.

Then Shuu’s stomach growled softly.

“…Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, now that you mention it, I haven’t eaten anything today.”

“Then… I’ll make something to eat. Please rest, Shuu.”

It hurt to let go of his hand, but I slipped away quietly and headed for the kitchen.

Maybe I’ve finally taken a small step toward regaining his trust. Thinking that way made my heart feel lighter.

No matter how long it takes, I have to keep atoning to Shuu.

Renewing that resolve, I hurried to prepare food for him.

But afterward, the weight of my sin only grew heavier.