Chapter 32: The Wall Standing Between the Two of Us 2
The Wall Standing Between the Two of Us 2
The documents I received from the detective agency don’t matter anymore. As long as nothing else happens, I have no intention of going after the other person, and I’ve already heard the full story from Eri herself.
In the worst case, I can rely on the copies kept at the agency, so it’ll be fine.
But more than that, I was shocked to learn that Eri thought of herself as “dirty.”
That’s why she tried to stop me from checking emails on the computer and insisted on doing it herself with trembling hands.
She didn’t want to show her tainted self to me, or even to herself. It wasn’t because she was afraid of losing my trust, but simply because she couldn’t bear it.
The one who made Eri feel that way was me.
I only had to think a little to realize it.
It’s because of me that Eri ended up like that. I kept living while keeping an extreme distance from her, and whenever she touched me, I would look disgusted and uncomfortable.
“Ugh… uhh…”
At this rate, Eri might break down before I’m ever able to forgive her.
That thought flashes through my mind.
But my body won’t listen to me.
Even now, all I can do is watch Eri cry. I can’t even reach out a hand to her.
“…It wasn’t necessary anyway. You could’ve thrown them away. Don’t worry about it.”
“Ugh… ughhh… I’m sorry…”
She keeps apologizing, even though Eri isn’t the only one to blame.
I’m angry at my own weakness.
Tears well up naturally, and I just stand there crying until Eri calms down.
After a while, Eri tries to stand but stumbles, almost falling.
Seeing her like that, I can’t help but say,
“Eri, you should rest a bit. It’s okay to lie down on the bed.”
“Uhh… no… I shouldn’t… someone like me can’t sleep in the bed…”
“Just rest. You’re not dirty or anything like that.”
“I’m sorry… uhh… I’m sorry… I’ll rest… for a bit…”
She’s been taking care of me from early morning until late at night, doing her own computer work, laying her bedding on the floor, and jumping up to help me whenever I wake in the middle of the night. Of course she’s sleep-deprived.
I don’t know if I can forgive her, but even so, I don’t want to see Eri in such a miserable state.
“You should get some sleep. I’ll stay by your side.”
“Okay… thank you… and sorry…”
Eri lies down on the bed for the first time in a long while and starts to close her eyes, but after a moment, she opens them again, glances at my face, and closes them once more. She repeats that several times.
“…I’ll stay here until you wake up.”
Maybe she thought that if she fell asleep, I would disappear. Or perhaps, if my arm weren’t injured, I might have run away from this heavy atmosphere because I couldn’t stand it.
But I can’t run. I already decided I wouldn’t.
“So it’s fine. I’ll be right here watching.”
Then I take Eri’s hand that was peeking out from under the blanket.
“Ah!? Th-thank you… I’m sorry…”
Saying that, Eri closes her eyes again, tears falling down her cheeks, and before long, I can hear her soft breathing.
She used to always take care of her appearance, but now her hair is messy, and her cheeks look a bit hollow.
Her swollen eyelids haven’t healed, and just by looking at her face, I can tell she’s been crying in secret all the time.
I can hold her hand like this… What am I even doing?
I keep holding Eri’s familiar yet slightly cold hand, warming it gently until she wakes up.
“Shuu… Shuu…”
As I start to drift off, I hear Eri’s voice.
“…Eri?”
“If you sleep like that, your body will ache, you know?”
“Ah… yeah… sorry.”
“I’m getting up now, so if you’re sleepy, you can use the bed… even if you might not like it.”
Seeing Eri smile so sadly, I feel something shift inside me. The feeling of not being able to forgive her is still there, but stronger than that is the wish to never make her look that sad again.
“Eri… it’s fine. Can I lie down next to you?”
“N-no, you can’t… if you sleep beside someone like me…”
“I want to. Just for a little while.”
I lie down beside Eri and, with my good hand, take hers again.
“Shuu…”
“I don’t even know what to do myself, but right now, I just want to hold your hand.”
We’re a little apart, but I hold Eri’s hand tightly and close my eyes to take a short rest.
Eri’s hand, which had been cold, gradually becomes warm.
Feeling the warmth of another person beside me in a bed that had felt too wide when I was alone, I eventually drift off to sleep.
“Hehe… Shuu…”
“Shuu… I love you…”
“Shuu…”
Eri… Eri…
Ah, I really was happy just seeing Eri smiling happily like that.
I don’t want to make her sad anymore.
Forgiving or not forgiving can come later.
If I just live in a way that doesn’t make her sad, maybe the answer will come on its own someday.
Whether we stay together forever or choose to part, I want us to be able to say goodbye with a smile at the end.
When I wake up, Eri is sleeping beside me.
Maybe because I wouldn’t let go of her hand, she fell asleep again.
But her sleeping face looks more peaceful than before.
I feel like I was finally able to sleep properly too. Even though I can’t bring myself to get close to her, just being near her makes me feel calm. It’s strange.
And so, still lying there, I keep holding Eri’s hand and quietly watch her sleeping face.