Chapter 15: What I Gained and Lost Through Running Away

What I Gained and Lost Through Running Away

Ever since my wife realized I had run away, the phone has not stopped ringing. When the day changed, the calls began coming from my parents’ home as well.

It seems my wife contacted my parents earlier than I expected. I am also receiving calls from her parents. She must have told them about my disappearance too.

From that alone, I can tell that my wife is trying to find me without caring how she appears to others.

After one night had passed since running away, I decided to take stock of what I gained and what I lost.

First, what I gained. Freedom. I can wake up whenever I want. Even though I had already quit the company a month before, I had been pretending to go to work, so I still had to wake up at a set time.

I can eat whatever I want. The internet café allows free entry and exit, so I go to the supermarket, buy what I like, and eat. The café serves meals too, but they are overpriced. Bread in the morning is free, so I eat that. Fried chicken from the supermarket with beer is the best. The sashimi in Fukuoka is delicious. Cheap and delicious. Maybe coming to Fukuoka was the right choice.

I feel like I have been released from constantly worrying about my wife’s affair. I do not think I am completely free of it yet, but I do feel a little more at ease.

What I lost was my wife. And my child. I cannot shake the loneliness. But the wife I loved is no longer there. Or perhaps she never existed at all. Maybe she was only something I imagined.

And the child. No, that child was not mine. It hurts. It hurts unbearably. I loved that child so much. But she was not mine. How did my wife feel while watching me love that child? Did she smirk at the sight? Was her goal simply to have me support a child that was not mine? Was she really the kind of person who would do that? Now I cannot understand anything anymore. I no longer know what I should believe.

I also lost my job, and I lost my friends. I can no longer face my parents. My wife and child are gone too. I feel like I have lost my future. The entire structure that defined me has collapsed. And it will never return.

Where did everything go wrong. What was my life. What do people do when their lives fall apart like this. In the end, do they choose suicide.

Only two days have passed since she discovered I ran away. In reality, it has been five days since I left. My heart is still not at rest. I cannot be satisfied.

At this point, the anger rose. For the first time, real anger filled me.

What was with my wife’s affair.

What was with this humiliation. The child was not even mine.

And the manager. He enjoyed himself with my wife, with other women, and still went home to his own wife.

I took out what I had prepared from my bag. A large envelope. This is the bomb. The bomb I prepared for revenge.

To drop it, I need to put in some work. I decided to leave the internet café for now. Today, I am going to Hiroshima. I will eat okonomiyaki. I have never had Hiroshima-style okonomiyaki before. While I eat, I will drop the bomb.

If I end up liking Hiroshima, I will not return to Fukuoka. That is why I am taking all of my belongings. Even so, everything I own fits into one business trip bag.

I threw away my suit. I threw away the shoes my wife had polished until they shone. I threw away the suitcase with wheels.

In the end, the only change of clothes I originally had were some underwear, and I did not bring any shirts. I bought everything at a secondhand shop. They had shirts for around 500 yen. Now I have three shirts, two pairs of pants, and five pairs of underwear. One phone, a mobile battery, and a charging cable. That is everything I own.

Moving with only this feels unbelievably light. I will go to Hiroshima, drop the bomb, spend a few days sightseeing, and then think about what comes next.

Even though I planned my escape in detail, my actions over the past few days have been complete chaos. I do not understand my own behavior anymore.

I am not living in Kagoshima. I am in Fukuoka. And now I am heading to Hiroshima, which was never part of the plan. And I have decided to use the bomb.

For some reason, I feel excited. I found myself grinning alone in my booth at the internet café. If I laughed out loud, it would disturb the people around me. But right now, I feel like laughing. I feel like running full speed across an open field.

Maybe I should go somewhere wide and open. That is also a kind of freedom. Maybe that is something I have gained by running away.