Chapter 32 Struggling with Trauma

Struggling with Trauma

The next morning, I went to pick up Iroha-san as usual. We greeted each other as usual, but she seemed quite concerned about my health. It was hard to hide my discomfort, but I managed to reassure her, and we walked hand in hand to the university as usual.

As we walked, we continued our casual conversation, and every time our eyes met, I smiled. But inside my chest, things were different from yesterday.

Until last night, I was filled with joy and happiness in my relationship with Iroha-san. But after I found the c🬀🬀dom in the bathroom, that was replaced by anxiety and fear.

And now guilt.

I feel so sorry for Iroha-san. I don’t have the confidence to live up to her expectations of her, who seems to be thinking about having s🬀x with me. I even feel disgusted with myself for worrying about whether Iroha-san is a v🬀🬀gin or not.

I know I’m being strange.

Iroha-san hasn’t done anything wrong.

I assumed she was chaste and not interested in s🬀🬀ual things, but Iroha-san was just a normal girl. It’s normal for her to be interested in s🬀x and to want to have s🬀x with her boyfriend.

I used to be like that.

I’m the one who’s weird.

That’s why I feel guilty.

After class that day, I had to go to work, so I dropped Iroha-san off at her house and went straight to work.

Even while I was working, I couldn’t stop worrying.

Should I just tell Iroha-san everything?

Should I tell her that I’m afraid of s🬀x and that I can’t do it?

I’m afraid of remembering the humiliating experience of being rejected by my ex-girlfriend in high school and then being taken by another guy.

I can’t talk about such a pathetic thing.

With such a pathetic attitude, she might just give up on me.

I want to be with Iroha-san forever.

But I’m afraid of being told, “A man who can’t have s🬀x is no longer necessary.”

I can’t talk about it with Iroha-san.

So I have no choice but to overcome this fear.

But how?

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t find the answer, and before I knew it, it was time to leave work.

The next day, I picked up Iroha-san as usual, went to campus together, attended classes, ate lunch together, attended afternoon classes, and then dropped Iroha-san off at her house and went to work.

That day, too, I smiled at Iroha-san without her noticing, but I couldn’t remember what we talked about.

While I was smiling, I was filled with fear and guilt, and I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation.

And then the next day.

It was the last day of classes before winter break.

As usual, I went to the campus with Iroha-san and spent the day together, attending lectures and eating lunch.

Since I didn’t have any work that day, I usually wanted to go to Iroha-san’s house, have dinner, talk, and do homework together. But I refused, saying, “I want to clean my room before Iroha-san comes to play.”

I made that excuse because Iroha-san was going to come to play at my house during the winter break, but Iroha-san said, “I’ll help you clean!” and I had to force myself to say, “I can’t let Iroha-san see my dirty room! It’s super dirty!” and I half forced myself to go home.

Thinking about what would happen tomorrow, I didn’t know what to do.

When winter break starts, we’ll be alone together.

I’ve been able to hide my feelings with a smile, but that’s reaching its limit.

Especially if she asks me directly, “Do you want to have s🬀x?” I won’t be able to escape.

I want to fulfill all of Iroha-san’s wishes.

But this one thing seemed impossible.

If that happens, she might be disappointed.

No, I might even hurt her.

Like when Chika rejected me.

My stomach hurt, so I stopped at a drugstore on my way home from Iroha-san’s house to buy antacids.

I used to take them every day in my third year of high school, but when I got to university, I was able to stop taking them. But the stomach pain was similar to that time, so I decided to rely on antacids again.

I found the same antacid I used to take and was about to go to the checkout when I noticed the c🬀🬀dom section.

I stopped and stared at the shelf filled with various types of c🬀🬀doms, deep in thought.

What was Iroha-san thinking when she bought that c🬀🬀dom?

Does she want to have s🬀x with me?

What if she gets pregnant?

I guess everyone thinks like that, which is why they use contraception.

But when I imagined Iroha-san thinking like that, it felt like a whole other dimension.

Iroha-san’s face would turn bright red just by holding hands.

We haven’t even kissed yet.

We’ve only hugged once.

At that time, she said, “I will be so sad when Taichi-kun leaves.”

Such an Iroha-san had bought a c🬀🬀dom herself.

It must’ve taken a lot of courage.

She probably struggled and struggled, just like I am now before she finally bought it.

That’s the Iroha-san I know.

While I’m only thinking about running away, Iroha-san might be trying to move forward with courage.

So maybe what I should be doing now is not running away but moving forward, even if it’s just a little bit or half a step.

To become the new Sakamoto Taichi.

And most importantly, to be with Iroha-san forever.

With trembling hands, I grabbed the shelf in front of me, picked up a box, and went to the counter.