Chapter 9 It's Too Late to Remember

It’s Too Late to Remember

“I’m home.”

“Ara, it was early, right? What about dinner? Didn’t you have dinner with Taichi-kun?”

I didn’t tell my mother that I had broken up with Taichi or that he had left town to go to a national university.

Mom liked Taichi so much, so I couldn’t tell her we broke up because I was afraid of what she would say.

“He has something to do.”

“Eh? He has something to do even though it’s the entrance ceremony? The two of you were together during the entire high school entrance ceremony. Won’t it be nice if you could just go on a date today?”

I couldn’t bear to listen to everything my mother said, so I just answered casually and ran to my room.

A date with Taichi….

When was the last time I had a date with Taichi?

After taking off my suit and shirt, I lost the energy to take off my pantyhose and sat down on the edge of the bed as if to collapse in my underwear.

We didn’t see each other on Valentine’s Day or New Year’s Day this year nor at Christmas last year.

Come to think of it, when I went to Taichi’s house on Valentine’s Day to give him my homemade chocolate, Eriko-san greeted me and told me that Taichi was sick and in bed, so I couldn’t meet him.

He had just finished his private university entrance exams, so I thought he was just tired and left him the chocolate, but now that I think about it, he was already avoiding me.

Eriko-san knew about it too and wouldn’t let me meet Taichi.

Ah, now I remember.

Taichi canceled Christmas and New Year’s, saying he couldn’t see me because he was studying hard for the exams. He’ll give me a present after he finishes the exams.

I see, he’s had enough of me for a long time.

Sigh.

I sighed and felt even more tired, so I collapsed into bed.

And the summer vacation….

I lay down and stared at the pattern on the ceiling, thinking about it.

I think I only went to Taichi’s room once, after the Obon holidays.

That’s right, I went to his room that time, but I made Taichi angry and felt bad, so I ran away.

I went to Taichi that day with the intention of having s🬀x with him. I had never had s🬀x with Taichi before, and I thought it was time to get it over with, so I brought c🬀🬀doms that I had prepared myself.

Also, during the Obon holidays, I lied to Taichi and told him that I was going back to my dad’s parents’ house and spent the time hanging out with Satoshi and friends, even pretending to have brought the souvenirs my mom had brought for him to use as an alibi.

At that time, when I asked him, “Shall we have s🬀x now?” he refused, saying, “I’m a high school entrance exam student and I don’t have time for that,” and when I continued to push him, saying, “I’m already 18,” and “Are you trying to say I’m not attractive?” he got angry at me, saying, “When I asked you to have s🬀x in our first year, Chika, do you remember what you said to me? You said, ‘Is that what you think? That’s kind of scary,’ and I was shocked when you turned me down. It’s been a taboo word for me ever since. And yet…." he said in a low voice with the scariest face I’ve ever seen.

It was the first time Taichi had been so angry with me, and I felt uncomfortable, so I ran away immediately.

I don’t know if Taichi already knew about my affair, but either way, I’m the lowest of the low.

I refused when Taichi asked me, but then I gave my v🬀🬀ginity to another man I didn’t love, and now I’m the one who approached Taichi.

I had no idea that Taichi was so hurt by me when I turned him down in our first year, and the reason he kept it taboo was because he cared for me in his own way, and maybe he turned down my invitation because he already knew about the cheating… So why didn’t I think of Taichi every time?

It’s too late to realize it now.

The more I remember, the more I want to die of my own stupidity.

Seriously, what did I do?

Taichi had been studying hard all the time to get into a national university, but I barely made it into the private university I wanted to go to, and I wasn’t confident enough to pass the general entrance exam, so I kind of forced myself to get a school recommendation, and even so I demanded from Taichi, “Please get into the same university as me,” and after I got accepted through the school recommendation, I was all excited and went out and had fun over the New Year’s holidays.

Even during the third semester, when we were free to go to school or not, I thought, “Taichi must be having a hard time studying for his entrance exams,” and I felt like it was none of my business, so there was no way I could have noticed that Taichi was avoiding me.

Sigh.

It’s really too late now, but I want to apologize to Taichi.

I know he won’t forgive me, but I want to apologize for everything.

I know so well that I want to die, that I’m not worthy of being Taichi’s girlfriend, so I want to at least apologize.

But it hurts that I can’t even do that.

When I think of Taichi, all I feel is guilt and the misery of being abandoned, and it makes me want to tear my head off.

I don’t want to think about bad things anymore and just want to go to sleep, but the good and bad things with Taichi keep coming back to me, and I can’t sleep at all.

Then, before I knew it, I unconsciously opened the photo folder on my smartphone and looked at all the photos of Taichi.

For a moment, I feel relaxed and comforted by Taichi’s dazzling, slightly tense smile, but then I realize “he will never smile at me like that again,” and it makes me even more miserable.

I don’t know why I got so carried away just because I was treated so nicely.

If I’m going to regret it so much, I should have realized it earlier.

I started to feel like I just wanted to give up being a woman.