Chapter 5 So I'm Not...

So I’m Not…

From an early age, I was both brilliant and expected to excel.

My maternal grandmother told me that when I was born to parents who couldn’t have children, they were very happy.

With a little effort, I could get a perfect score on a test.

I was obviously better than others. I was the one who could understand everything and put it into practice faster than the others.

“Aoi is our daughter. She can be a doctor in the future. No, she will be much bigger than that.”

“Yes, she has to. Because she is our daughter.”

Dad and Mom said this with smiles on their faces.

As a child, I wanted to see those smiles, so I worked hard. I would get a perfect score on a math test. I would get a perfect score on a Japanese test. I would excel in gym class.

Every time I did, my parents would laugh and pat me on the head.

To be honest, you could say I was on a roll back then. As a young child, I took it in stride that I was brilliant and different from the other students.

But …

“What is it, Aoi? Were you not feeling well? If you weren’t feeling well, don’t push yourself.”

“Yes.”

The words of my parents, who seemed so concerned when I brought home a math test with an 80 on it, still swirl in my head.

Even though the other students had scored much lower on the test and I was actually the top student in my class, my parents made it seem like I had done poorly.

From my parents’ point of view, they were probably just worried about their daughter. However, I was very impressed by the fact that I was not allowed to get such a score and that my mother and father would be sad if I did not excel.

I became impatient. And I began to feel strongly that I couldn’t let them be sad like that again.

Looking back, that might’ve been the beginning.

And then…

“I knew it, Aoi is a genius. I can’t help but look forward to her future.”

“Right. Aoi, keep up the good work. You are our daughter.”

“Aoi is a great girl. She’ll have a bright future. Our daughter is very talented.”

“Yes, she is. Aoi will always be a good girl.”

“Aoi-san is amazing. I’m proud of you as a teacher.”

“Aoi-chan, you are amazing. I couldn’t get a score like that. You are a genius. Aoi-chan is amazing.”

“Aoi-san is amazing. You can study well and do so well in athletics. As your coach, I’m proud of you.”

“I’m glad Aoi is Aoi.”

“Aoi is definitely our proud daughter.”

My parents’ words should’ve made me happy, but before I knew it, they had become a dead weight.

I was no genius, just a little better than others. As I grew older, the amount of effort I had to put in increased.

Not to disappoint my parents, not to disappoint those around me, not to make them sad.

The weight became a curse that tormented me. But I cannot escape that curse. Each time, I made a blood-curdling effort to live up to the expectations of those around me. My heart grew cold.

I managed to pour some oil into the clattering and rusty gears. Keep moving, even if I’m forced to.

But eventually…

My heart was broken. I was a wreck, and all that remained was my desire to be free.

I wanted to throw myself into the blue sky and fly like that bird.

So I thought, today.

I decided to kill myself in that place.