Miyuki’s Mom and Despair
Miyuki’s PoV
My knee is bright red from the fall onto the concrete. It should tingle, but strangely, I don’t feel any pain.
Maybe it’s because my heart was already dead that I don’t feel pain anymore.
Somehow, I managed to escape from Kitchen Aono and went home.
My mother has to work the night shift tonight.
I don’t want to see her right now, but she’s definitely home.
“I’m home.”
After a quick hello, my mother, who was watching a TV show, gave me her usual smile.
“Oh, welcome home. Do you have any other activities at school? You’re home late.”
Somehow her words hurt my dead heart.
“I was with Eiji for a while.”
The words were barely not a lie. The guilt of lying to my mother made my self-loathing even stronger.
“Oh, you’re still as full of love for him as ever. I’m so glad. Since you were little, you’ve always said that you wanted to be Eiji’s wife. I’m glad. You had a happy youth.”
Those casual words pierced my heart like a deadly weapon. It only increased my longing for a place I could never occupy again.
“Yeah. Mom, please don’t remind me of embarrassing things anymore.”
Normally, my mother’s light words would have made me feel embarrassed but happy, but they were like sharp knives now.
Because, I know. I already knew that. It was supposed to be like that. …
When Eiji confessed his love to me last year, I felt like I was in heaven. I would be his girlfriend from now on. Next year, we would study hard for exams together and go to the same university. Then, when we were in college, we would skip school for a while and go to different places together. We worked hard at part-time jobs and splurged a little on each other’s birthdays and Christmas gifts.
When we start working, we might fight a little, but once we get used to each other’s jobs, we will probably get married, have a happy family, and grow old together. I should have had such a silly but happy fantasy for a long time.
“Sorry, I have a test coming up, so I’ll study in my room.”
“Oh, I see. I’ll be out soon, so I made some curry in the fridge for dinner. Please heat it up and eat it.”
“Okay, thank you! Good luck with your work, Mom.”
I barely managed to say that and ran to my room.
I had not only betrayed Eiji and my aunt but also my mother. In the end, I was faced with the burden of what I had done. The happy future I had imagined was gone now.
I lock the door to my room and collapse on my bed.
I clench my fists tightly in sadness and self-hatred for having soiled myself. My fingernails dig deep and blood drips onto the pink bedspread.
I hear the voice of my other self hating me for giving in to my lust.
“How could you betray someone you love so much? Why do you keep betraying the people you love?”
“Why did you do that? Is there no kindness or reason left in you?”
There’s nothing I can do now. There’s no point in you saying that.
My scratched and red knee finally began to hurt. My mind was filled with despair, and I knew that my thoughts were taking a turn for the worse.
No, I can’t. I can’t be swept away by the waves of emotions here. With this thought, my weakened mind desperately tries to hold me back. But the dike of my heart has been broken before. That was when Kondo-senpai pushed me.
So there is no way I can hold back my feelings of falling into darkness.
“What, even if you care about Eiji now, it’s already too late.”
“You betrayed Eiji, so it’s too late for you to act like I’m the victim heroine in the novels.”
“Do you think you are the victim? No! It must be more painful for Eiji. The true victim is him.”
“In the first place, you cheated on him and helped set up a conspiracy to isolate Eiji. How could you be forgiven?”
My inner self hurled insults at me.
My weak heart had reached its limit.
I wanted to run away. I let myself be carried away by the easy way out.
Right now, all I wanted were kind words.
So with trembling hands, I asked for help.
To Kondo-senpai:
“Senpai, I want to see you.”
As if clinging to him, I said it forcefully to myself as I drifted toward the easy way.
“I have no choice but to do this. I have no choice but to cling to him!”
I have no choice but to cling to his goodness.
Let’s be the worst woman ever. I had no other choice. In my desperation, I had no way to stop my lust.
I took the photo of Eiji and me at the opening ceremony from my desk and held it to my chest, crying silently. I wished I could just tear it up and throw it away. Even though I thought that I could not move my hand.